Joanne Gilhooly - Psychotherapist & Counsellor - Dublin City
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Dublin Counselling and Psychotherapy Blog
Dublin Counselling and Psychotherapy Blog
|Posted on April 6, 2014 at 6:58 PM||comments (1288)|
Vulnerability isn't good or bad: it's not what we call a dark emotion, nor is it always a light positive experience. Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.
~ Brene Brown, Daring Greatly.
|Posted on August 25, 2013 at 4:44 PM||comments (1491)|
"The cool water of the running stream may be scooped up with open, overflowing palms. It cannot be grasped up to the mouth with clenching fists, no matter what thirst motivates our desperate grab"
~ Sheldon Kopp, If You Meet the Buddha on the Road Kill Him!
|Posted on April 21, 2013 at 3:16 PM||comments (1342)|
This post is a continuation of this previous blog post...
"Am I Good Enough?"
A smaller percentage of people than those who receive ‘good enough’ care giving as infants, do not develop a secure attachment. These people are said to have an insecure attachment style. It is worth remembering though, that all attachment styles, whether secure or insecure, are adaptations to the early environment, to the quality of care and attunement received by the primary caregiver, and are therefore by their very nature adaptive and creative. There is no such thing as an attachment style that is ‘wrong’. Each style of attachment makes perfect sense in terms of a person’s early experiences.
However, the problem for people who have early experiences that do not meet their needs, is that when the infant grows to an adult and attempts to form secure relationships with others they run into myriad obstacles. Their style doesn’t work so well anymore. The person’s template is one of insecurity, of trust being a dangerous thing to experience in relationship to another, and the expectation that they will be abandoned, rejected, or deemed unworthy of the love of another. The early environment is internalised, often unconsciously, and manifests in the belief that they themselves are not good enough.
These expectations manifest in different emotional and behavioural patterns. These patterns are usually categorised (a bit too neatly for some) into three insecure attachment styles, known as anxious/ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganised attachment. I will be focusing mostly on the first two styles here as they are the most common.
Anxious or Ambivalent Attachment
People with an anxious/ambivalent style of attachment usually experienced their early care giving as inconsistent. Everyone can be a bit inconsistent, of course, but for some this occurred to the extent that they became unsure whether they were likely to receive a response from their care giver that was well attuned to their needs. Children who develop this style may express their emotions with great intensity as a means of ensuring the attention of their care givers. They are anxious to ensure that they receive the attention they need, unsure as they are that their care giver will be either physically or emotionally available. Their experience is one of unpredictability, and so they may attempt to make the environment more predictable, and thus ensure their own safety, through their style of emotional expression.
(This unpredictability is different to the ‘rupture and repair’ cycle that occurs in the development of a secure attachment bond. In this, the caregiver will inevitably make mistakes, but more often than not, they will repair the rupture in the relationship by identifying, holding, and acknowledging the misattunement. In this way, the child learns that mistakes happen, but that repair is possible – an essential learning. This is what’s meant by ‘good enough’ care giving.)
This attachment style is often characterised by fear of rejection and abandonment, worrying about whether or not loving feelings are reciprocated, a wish for constant closeness or ‘clinging’, and possibly angry outbursts. People with this style can have great difficulty relaxing into and enjoying their relationships, and may have a persistent fear that their partner does not really want to be with them. They may experience a kind of ‘push and pull’ feeling in their relationships, as they get close to allay their fears, and may pull away angrily if their needs are not met. Close relationships can frequently be experienced as distressing.
The second style, avoidant attachment, tends to occur when the child experiences their care giver as more or less consistently unavailable to them. As a baby this child may not have received the ‘holding’or affection they needed, whether as a result of the care giver being emotionally unable to attune to the child, or being unable to offer their physical presence and affection. Essentially, it seems they turn this experience in on themselves, by attempting not to feel, or by not expressing emotion, and by attempting to meet one’s own needs rather than looking to the caregiver for assistance. This child seems to ‘grow up’ very quickly, at least to the outside observer. On the inside though, their needs are still very much present.
This attachment style in adults is often characterised by over self-reliance, being emotionally ‘closed’ or having difficulty with emotional expression, difficulties with closeness and intimacy, and discomfort with dependence on a partner or needing help from others. The person with this attachment style may seem to experience less distress in relationships. However, what this person seems to be doing in actuality, is minimising the importance of closeness and relationships to themselves. This is a result of a felt necessity to not need, as a consequence of the disappointment and attachment distress experienced in their early years. Not needing can be a defence against the possibility of unmet needs.
Counselling and Psychotherapy for Attachment Difficulties
In counselling and psychotherapy, the counsellor works with clients experiencing attachment difficulties by exploring their current experiences, their early experiences, and the client’s experience of the therapeutic relationship. The immediacy of the therapeutic relationship can be extremely useful in exploring these issues in a here-and-now context. That is, the issues experienced in relationships outside the psychotherapy room, in the client’s life, may well show up within the therapeutic relationship and can be worked through experientially.
Essentially, psychotherapy is an opportunity to explore new ways of relating in a safe and supportive setting, and to examine and reality test the templates we bring from our original experiences and how they can impact our experiences in the present. It is a chance to increase awareness of ‘blind spots’ and assumptions which may be negatively affecting relationships in the present.
Over time, psychotherapy can help to create a new template for relationships. The skilled counsellor or psychotherapist is trained in providing attachment focused therapy, in which the needs for good-enough attachment may be met, and healing can become a real possibility.
|Posted on March 15, 2013 at 8:35 AM||comments (2300)|
A college lecturer I had in my final year was very fond of using the phrase "we are born searching..."
She was referring to the attachment instinct, the natural instinct to search for a 'good enough' caregiver.
And, of course, we're not the only ones.
These pictures were taken a couple of years ago at the Grand Canal in Dublin. The mother of these small ducks was strolling along the canal bank, with her chicks moving as fast as they could behind her. They struggled to keep up at times, but were clearly led by their instinct to stay in close proximity to their caregiver, to give themselves the best chance of survival. Like all attached babies, they became distressed if left behind and there were signs of impending separation, as I witnessed happening to one of the swan signets.
The fact that we see this instinct in play in other animals can serve as a good reminder that we are significantly more than our 'heads', or our thoughts. Just like other animals we have instincts that are intended to serve our survival. It can be easy to get caught in the idea that as humans we are supposed to be beyond all of that, that as 'thinking' animals we should simply 'override' the instinctual response. Actually, in counselling and psychotherapy, it is often the instinctual response that is sat with, worked with and listened to. In doing so, we can begin to develop the ability to think about our instinctual reactions, to understand them instead of reacting from them. And it is from here we open the door to the possibility of more creative ways of responding.
|Posted on February 7, 2013 at 2:22 PM||comments (3192)|
When counsellors talk about ‘attachment’, we are talking about the bond a baby forms with their first caregiver early in life. You may be quite familiar with the term, as it is one of the wider known psychological theories, and its importance is often spoken about. The attachment phase, the period during which the relationship between baby and caregiver is particularly important, begins at birth and continues until a child is about three years of age. During this time, the child is dependent on a ‘good enough’ environment to ensure that they develop what is known as a secure attachment to their caregiver. This means beginning their growth as a baby with enough care, warmth, affection, food, sleep etc. that they need to thrive.
The securely attached child learns, through the care, comfort and attention provided by their caregivers, to pay attention to themselves, to self-soothe, and to begin to regulate their own emotions. As their sense of security in their (then very small) world starts to grow, they begin to feel a bit more confident in their abilities to explore, to cope with new experiences, and they gradually start to move away from the caregiver,using them as a secure base that they can return to when needed. In short, they are ready to begin exploring a bit more of their world, safe in the knowledge that if it all gets a bit too much theirparent figure will be there to mind them again. As these children explore, they continue to grow in confidence, and provided they can continue on this course fairly unimpeded, they will become securely attached adults.
The securely attached adult might be said to have a good enough template for relationships. They have experienced, and therefore may expect, that relationships will be mutually respectful, emotionally regulating,and empathically attuned experiences. They tend to have realistic expectations of relationships, to expect difficulty and disagreement, but also to be able to navigate these differences in ways that helps them to grow. While affection and intimacy come quite naturally to them, at the same time they will experience inevitable anxiety and uncertainty at times in their relationships. However, the securely attached adult seems able to sit with and process these natural reactions without major difficulty. They know that these obstacles are par for the course.
It is easy of course, to fall under the impression that the securely attached person has it ‘all sorted’, that ‘negative’ emotions are short-lived for them or that they do not experience these much at all. It would be very easy to imagine that emotional health means feeling content or happy all the time, to imagine that the securely attached person does not suffer. The reality, though, is really quite different. The nature of attachment is such that the securely attached person certainly does feel negative emotion, but as they are aware and connected to this feeling they are able to process and move through it, integrating their painful experiences to create a fuller, more robust, sense of self. The securely attached person, by definition, suffers in the loss of relationship – because they are attached to the person they have lost. The key though, is that this suffering may not prevent them from grieving, adjusting to, and integrating the loss, so that they may move on to experience new relationships in the future. Avoidance of intimacy in relationship is not necessary because the threat of loss is not experienced as a threat to one’s being or sense of self. There is a (maybe unconscious) ‘knowing’ that loss can be experienced, can be felt, that it is painful but survivable.
It is because of this relationship between attachment and emotional health that psychotherapists and counsellors pay so much attention to attachment. I have often been asked, as a therapist who puts great emphasis on the importance of the therapeutic relationship, what talking about this relationship in counselling and psychotherapy has to do with people’s problems. The answer to this is simpler that it may seem at first glance – our ability to sort our own problems, to trust in and challenge ourselves, to regulate our emotions so that we can relate healthily (and establish relationships that help to get us our needs met outside the therapy), is so intertwined with attachment that to not pay attention to the relationship would be to ignore the client’s most potent potential source of self-agency - their ability to relate.
In part 2 on Attachment I will be looking more at insecure styles, their impact on relationship, and how therapy aims to work with these difficulties.